When I'm Only A Human in His Eyes

This is me and Tadpole on Mother's Day this past year:

Tadpole and Mommy rocking stripes and anchors.

 Isn't he cute? (and yes, I'm going to be one of those types that refers to him by a codename, because the poor kid is already losing a ton of privacy at my doing) Tadpole's awesome.  He's truly a blessing to Paul and me and we're incredibly grateful that we get to be his parents.  All sorts of new things come along with parenthood as we are learning.

This past week at church the sermon dealt with parenting. So that's been on my mind.  So has the idea of failure.  I've been thinking about failure a lot because I have a very strong fear of it, and it often hinders me from attempting new things (but that's a whole other story for a whole other day). And I was rolling around these two ideas in my head, they collided in one rather sad truth -- one day I will fail my son.

It isn't a matter of if, it's a matter of when, because a day will come when I will mess up and he'll be able to call me out on it.  As of right now, I'm able to get away with a bit because he frankly doesn't know any better, nor does he have the communication skills required to convey any understanding of how I might be letting him down... well, that's not entirely true, he sure let me know that one time when I took off a little bit of finger tip while trying to clip his nails.

(*not Tadpole, but one of the many things I chuckle at on a website I often waste time on)

And while there is a lot of joking in our home of Mommy-Fails and Daddy-Fails as we trial and error some things, those are the things that make me question my ability to parent.

We can all remember back to when we were young and our own parents went from infallible pillars to humans who mess up.  For me, it was when I was about 9 and my parents informed my brother and I of their divorce.  Looking back, that's when I began to realize that my parents weren't perfect (still aren't) and that try as they might, they are simply humans who sometimes make terrible decisions, can use poor judgement, or just be downright foolish. I'm capable of all those things as well.

So knowing that I'm not perfect, I began to wonder what will it be, that will someday show Tadpole, that I too am simply a human. 

Will there be a moment where I mismanage my emotions and yell at him in anger? 
Will I make a decision that leads down a more troublesome path than necessary?
Could there be habits or behaviors that I unintentionally foster in him that are not favorable?

I'm not sure.  Heck, it could be something as simple as me having to parallel park one day and him realizing it shouldn't take four tries only to end up 18 inches away from the curb.  I do know, however, that there is some truth behind the Boy Scout motto of "always be prepared" in that, sometimes it's good to plan for a worst-case scenario:

(umm, seriously, why did no one get me this book?)

Those three questions above reflect three of the more serious ways I fear I may someday fail as a parent. Joking aside from other worst-case parenting scenarios like what to do when there are no more clean diapers, I think it's good to think out what would I do in those moments because, having a rough outline of what might happen helps when you may actually face that situation (ask me some time about the sovereignty in play when I had my Tommy Boy incident).

I won't delve into each of those specific topics at this time, but I will say one thing that will help me deal with future parenting fails is by establishing a home that relies on and reflects grace.  My hope is that we as parents will talk and share, openly and honestly, about what is important and even more so, we will demonstrate it by how we act. And grace is by far is greatest gift we have been blessed with (yes, even more so than our handsome little fellow).  I hope that when Tadpole sees me mess up, after he calls me out on in, he will extend grace to me because he's seen and experienced grace himself.

Renaissance (once more with feeling)

Hello, internet world.  I have returned yet again to the blogosphere because, let's face it, I function better when I can thought spew on occasion.  Otherwise it all bottles up and then crazy meltdowns occur.  I'm not going to do any sort of retrospective and wax nostalgic about what's been keeping me so darn occupied these past few years as I figure over the course of regularly writing, things will eventually make sense.

So I'll keep this post brief and then write one additional post today that is some what focused (and spoiler, does fill in one big answer as to what's been occupying my time).

Anyway, it feels good to be typing something more than 140 characters.

Lost: Pieces & Players

Every character on Lost is either a player or piece (with a few exceptions of some being both pieces and players). This is just my rough break down of who is playing who and what team they are playing for.


Benjamin Linus - Ben's end goal seems to be to get back to the island, regardless of Jacob's intentions or anyone else, so in that vein he is using the Oceanic 6 and Bentham to get back there. Later on in the season, once he's back on the island, Locke-Incarnate with the aid of Smokey-Alex manipulate Ben into 1) not kill Locke-Incarnate and to 2) kill Jacob. Being convinced into killing Jacob, it seems as though Ben is playing for/manipulated by Team Esau.

Charles Widmore - also wants to get back to the island, again regardless of Jacob's direct instruction. Hard to say if either Jacob or Esau has an influence of the island, but interestingly, is adament on keeping Locke (as Bentham) alive.

Richard Alpert - Richard is some sort of median between the island and it's inhabtants, knows a lot about Jacob, yet for some reason isn't the connection between Jacob and the island dwellers...instead, he's just a guidance counselor...I don't understand why Richard just doesn't fill the roll of leader/Jacob communicator...but maybe it has something to do with the fact he doesn't age... anyway, Richard is told by Locke-Incarnate that he needs to tell Locke he must go back to the get the Oceanic 6 and the way to do is by dying. So Locke/Bentham's idea of having to die, originates NOT with Richard, but rather by Locke-Incarnate, so while Richard maybe playing for Team Jacob, he can be manipulated by Team Esau.

Christian-Incarnate - part of the problem with determining Christian-Incarnate's team is hard, because his words and actions don't clearly support either Jacob or Esau...going back to the first season, he's there as a white rabbit for Jack to step up as a leader and help the Oceanic survivors continue to survive... Christian-Incarnate then isn't seen for another two seasons. He next shows up in Jacob's cabin, claiming to be able to speak on behalf of Jacob. Then again to let Michael know he's done serving the island. Then later still to spirit away Claire. And then once again to show Locke the way to the donkey wheel. When Locke tells him about Richard saying he's going to have to die, Christian-Incarnate simply replies, that's why they call it a sacrifice, seemingly then to back up and reinforce the notion of Locke having to die.

That's all my brain can handle for now.

why i heart chuck (and you should too)

I've caught on by now that the first 72 hours of Paul being away are the hardest and it's hard to stick to routine, so I tend to lean towards distraction to not think about the absent hubby.

Currently, I am distracting myself with Chuck season 2. I heart Chuck and here are some of the reasons why:

1) Chuck is a member of Buy More's Nerd Herd, because yes, our hero is a nerd, and I just generally like nerds, and is thus a fun character to follow.

2) Adam Baldwin. And while his character John Casey is very similar to his Firefly persona Jayne, who's to say that you should change a good thing? (target practice: bin Laden, shoot; Hitler, shoot; Reagan, hold fire)

3) Tony Hale. Again, another awesome supporting actor. He was great as Buster in Arrested Development, and while he didn't join the cast till the second season, he always entertains.

4) Cake. C'mon, any show to use a song by Cake ("Short Skirt, Long Jacket" in this case) as the theme is simply cool.

reading list status

Lately finished:

Servolution by Dino Rizzo: Aside from my dislike of mashing the word serve with the slightly overused revolution, it's an easy read about the founding and continuing ministry at Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, LA. It also offers an outline of how to adapt some of their techniques and philosphies to other ministries, but if you are already familiar with dreaming up ministry philosophies, it doesn't offer anything that new (or at least it didn't really present anything new to me, but I probably read more about structuring ministries, etc. than the average person). I would reccommend this book as a 101 level of "rethinking" church resource.

Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller: After years of hearing praise for Miller's Blue Like Jazz, I ended up being drawn more to this story of Don's roadtrip from Texas to Grand Canyon to Oregon. It was an interesting read, it seemed more like a memoir though than a new ways to think about God and/or Christianity (which is what I was expecting for some reason...). MIller shares a lot about his views adn idea of God during this journey, and while I value his willingness to share and openess, it didn't feel like anything new...which reflecting that I'm saying this about two books in row, maybe I've grown a little hard-hearted...It's good, and I'm looking forward to reading his other books (especially with all the things I'm hearing about his latest), and this wasn't a bad place to start since chronilogically in Miller's life, this was the frist journey.

Salvation on the Small Screen? 24 Hours of Christian Television by Nadia Bolz-Weber: In the vein of The Year of Living Biblically by AJ Jacobs, Bolz-Weber, a Lutheran minister, watches 24 straight hours of the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN). Looking at the content, intended audience, products offered, and Biblical soundness (Bolz-Weber would also have visitors spend portions of the day viewing, many of whom have various masters or doctartes in Divinity). It's interesting, that while she expects to be horrified by what's going on TBN (televangelists preying on shut-ins for monetary gifts; iirelevant teaching; etc.), by the end, Bolz-Weber is able to draw connections and ask some interesting questions not only of the Christianity represented on TBN, but also in her own emerging Lutheran church camp. It's a very quick read, and I greatly enjoyed it and would also reccommend it.

In the midst of:
The Books of Pellinor by Alison Croggon: This is a four book young adult fantasy series a friend reccommended and I'm currently on the final installment. It's decent...I would only reccommend it to other YA readers, and even then only if they like fantasy.

On Deck:
Total Church by Tim Chester & Steve Timmis (yes, I've finally retrieved it from carry-on bag and have placed it on top of the pile_
Uglies by Scott Westerfield (I like to read fiction before going to bed, while I reserve non-fiction for other times of the day, so this will take over the pre-bedtime slot when Pellinor is through)
Flickering Pixels: How Technology Shapes Your Faith by Simon Higgs (in reality I've already read the first 3 or 4 chapters, but I really want to explore more of the ideas Higgs presents and take the time to reflect and journal when reading, so this might be pushed back still...)
Speaking My Mind: The Radical Evangelical Prophet Tackles the Tough Issues Christians Are Afraid to Face by Tony Campolo (I'm intrigued to read this because I've been thinking and debating a lot lately of gay marriage (and marriage in general especially as what is marriage as defined by God and what is marriage as defined by government and are they same thing, should they be the same thing, etc.?) and while there are many books out there I'd like to read regarding this subject matter (I'm most interested in Love Is An Orientation by Andrew Martin, but it's not available at the Clarksville library...nor is it sitting on the shelves of either of the major chain bookstores...), they're a bit hard to come by

hedgeapple

Today I walked for several miles to enjoy the lovely weather and geocache. The Clarksville Greenway lays atop a now defunct railway path and offers some wonderful views. And a fun autumn find: hedgeapples!



Found a hedgeapple/osage orange. The texture is so amazing.

Around 1630 there was an echoing of loud booms. I'm pretty sure that was my husband. Can't wait for him to be home on Wednesday.

The creepiest spider I've ever seen in person that didn't have a nice layer of glass between us.

purchasing pumpkins

Excited by the possibility of handing out candy to children dressed as pirates, princess, and other things, I wanted to make sure they knew that they could come to our door for said candy, and the best way to advertise free candy? A jack-o-lantern.

Except that week, due either to time restraint or gallons of water pouring down a pumpkin was not to be gotten. Which left pumpkin purchasing till the day of...

Attempt #1: Walmart. Our super Walmart has everything; groceries, electronics, lube jobs and when we walked in a giant wreath proclaiming "Seasons Greetings"... but no pumpkins (we did however pick up a new Xbox game).

Attempt #2: Gordon Food Service. If you ever wanted to pretend to own a restuarant, this is the place to go. Previously in October, they had a huge cardboard trough filled with perfectly sized for carved pumpkins. Day of, free samples of hot cider...but no pumpkins (the cider was decent).

Attepmt #3: Kroger. Besides Walmart, really the only other place to buy groceries is Kroger and while some of their prices maybe slightly higher, their produce and bakery departments offer much more than Walmart. Though that day they had one striking thing in common with Walmart...no pumpkins (though at this point we bandied about the idea of carving a watermelon).

Driving home in defeat, there on a hill on the side of the road a simple plywood sign reads "Farm Fresh Produce" and surrounding this sign: pumpkins.

Pull in and we are in Pumpkin Wonderland. Deserted Pumpkin Wonderland. Pumpkins lay all over, gourds stacked high in all shapes, sizes, and colors, but not a farm fresh producer anywhere. Including the near by farmhouse.

Our solution to making this transaction? We left the following in a note:

Hello! We are excited to buy a pumpkin, but it appears that no one is home. We are not entirely sure how much you want for the pumpkins in the bin marked 45 200, but we took a pumpkin from that bin and have enclosed $5. Thanks!

Evening fell, leaves rustled by our jack-o-lantarn angled ever so smarted by our now inviting door which was not knocked on once.