oh the possibilities

My brain is reeling, no where close to winding down for the night and allowing me to sleep.

Three (four if counting students' thoughts) people have suggested that I apply for the youth pastor/director position that has opened up. I thought about it fleetingly before it came apparent that I wasn't qualified as A) I'm a college drop out and B) I'm a woman.

But it keeps popping up, and I am not a believer in coincidence. I think that I need to seriously reassess my stance to youth ministry, because even I'm not trying to think about it, God doesn't seem to want not to think about it.

First and foremost, I want to serve God above all else. Whatever it is I do to earn a living, I want to do for God's glory and glorifying God is not limited to full-time ministry. But of all the possibilities for what I could be doing with my life, with my time, youth ministry has been a constant. It's been one of the few constants in my life for the past six years....I've moved several times, changed schools, dropped out of school and have tried my hand from tour guide to barista to now analyst, and done all this with the thought of "How will this affect my involvement with Cornerstone?" as a highly weighted question in the decision making process.

I love God. I love these students I grown to know more and more over the years.

But, me? Even during my time at PBU I never thought of myself in the position...my idea was that maybe in a few years down the road, some sort of associate youth position at a church that already has an established youth pastor might open up and that would be a very cool thing if that second person for the job would be a female...aka me. But then I'd not be apart of Grace Point, it would be a another church.

It's strange that all these things seem to be colliding together at the same time.

When I moved into town last year, I convinced myself that this would be my last year here. That I would spend the time building my portfolio, doing the research and come the summer of 2008 hit the open road and write.

That year is coming to a close in three weeks...

My notions and fears of unfaithfulness seem to be a hitting a pinnacle.

Tonight, when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a girl; I saw a woman.

So many thoughts, so many ideas, and dreams, and hopes (and always their counterparts of doubts, anxieties, and fears) are muddling my not too long ago clarity in thinking.

Lord, let me have the ears to hear, the eyes to see, and the courage to follow.